What if I only want the fantasy?
I care about you, but I don’t desire you, not physically.
I desire the idea of possibility.
Once it becomes reality, desire fades and it feels like an infinite free fall into nothingness.
The beauty is in the immediate almost.
You buy the illusion and I sell you the moment I don’t own.
Někdy se zdá, že jsem prožil nespočetně mnoho životů, viděl a zažil všechno. V jiných okamžicích se zdá, že jsem vůbec nežil, jako by moje vzpomínky byly vymazány během náhlé restartování mé mysli. Říkají, že jedinou jistotou, kterou máme, je přítomný okamžik. Jsme neustále se vyvíjející verze sebe samých, neustále se měníme s každým uplynulým dnem.
“I distrust linearity, but bodies can sometimes seem linear—aging, growing and then shrinking, eventually leading to death. Yet, there’s a reason to appreciate the transitioning body, which ages backward, making each person seem younger, with or without taking hormones. It serves as a reminder that the body was never linear to begin with.” 1
Eleven stations from home, you approached me with confidence, asking, or rather announcing.. You already knew my answer, leaning in. I yearn to taste the vulnerability you hold. The fear of losing oneself, of vanishing while in pursuit of finding something more…
„…it only happens to you when you’re out in the cold, when you’re down, this shiver attempts to warm you up, bring you back. For a moment you get this weird, eerie distant feeling like it’s just for you, you get taken out of yourself.” 2
Recognizing that sometimes words become dissonant, failing to provide solace or alleviate the burdens we carry. Why speak when words feel empty, unable to offer comfort? In those moments, silence holds more meaning than any spoken phrase. In that silence, I am present, listening and always observing, even if I may not comprehend every word spoken.
„We’re investigating the language of the present from the perspective of the utopic, which is an exploration of difference, and the only way we can find to this language takes us through each other.“ 1
The way you speak about me, the whispers that linger in your gaze. It serves as a reminder of the divide between us, the growing gap that separates our understanding. You step closer, I run further. Don’t touch me, it means too much. Every touch is too much, for the weight is too much to bear. Can’t you hear them whisper one another’s touch? 3
Naučili jsme se vaší řeč, abychom tu přežili ale vy jste nám nic nedaly.
What distinguishes love from friendship when the world, with its hate and rejection, stands against us? You hold the power of choice, the privilege of deciding whether to accept, like, or love me. I don’t, I don’t get to choose. My worthiness is determined by your judgment, and my existence hinges on your acceptance. As you grapple with fear and uncertainty, taking your time, I, already deemed unworthy, fade away into a different space, seeking refuge… You engage in discussions about us, dissecting and analyzing our lives, yet you will never truly experience the isolation of being the sole representative at a table, in a room, a class, on a street, or in a park. You glance around and see reflections of yourself, while we must search and seek, torn between the safety of solitude and the dangers of visibility. Am I visible enough for us to recognize one another? Or am I too visible, left vulnerable to exploitation, subject to scrutiny and constant discussion?
Platonically heartbroken.
„There are all these mysteries to a body. Why, or how. This sense that I’m an experiment, that I am coming together. That I need someone else to tell me about me. Within the parameters of myself, it has always been what is unknown, actually, that most bleeds into my other dimensions. That is present.“ 1
Longing for a connection that slips away.
Začal jsem se chytat každého možného příkladu toho, jak být člověkem, který by byl pochopitelný a hledal jsem v tom smysl. Začal jsem kopírovat ostatní a snažil se být jako oni. Pomáhalo to, protože jsem se ponořil do studia chování ostatních a napodobování toho, jak se v životě pohybovat.
Myslím, že jsem si brzy uvědomil, že koncept ženy nebo muže měl své nedostatky, protože jsem si nemyslel, že by moje matka nebo otec byli v jejích rolích příliš úspěšní, takže nezáleželo na tom, čím se stanu. Přála jsem si, aby mi někdo řekl, že cokoli udělám, je v pořádku a že se mi zdálo špatné jen proto, že bylo stereotypně špatně, a ne protože bych byl špatný a nikdo mě neměl rád. Přál bych si, abych se dozvěděl o slovu queer a queer culture dříve, protože by mi to ušetřilo hodně věcí, o kterých jsem si myslel, že je musím udělat, ale nikdy jsem je dělat nemusel. Nejsem tím, čím jsem teď, protože jsem nesnášela být holka nebo proto, že jsem nesnášela vyrůstat jako holka – protože jsem to nebyl a nikdy jsem nebyla.
Everywhere becomes a part of the here and now, collapsing the boundaries of space. The sea doesn’t speak to me. The only thing I was ever jealous about was other people’s happiness. I know there is a craving that cannot be satiated by mere physical pleasures. The desire runs deeper, reaching beyond the realm of the flesh, seeking fulfillment on a different level we can not reach with rationality.
No one holds dominion over me. I possess infinite agency over my body, and the regrets that haunt you cannot define me.
Skoro nikdy neříkám, že jsem Čech, a když, tak váhám, protože nevím, zda je to pravda. Pokud jste vyrůstali mezi dvěma zeměmi, vybíráte si říkat, že jste z té, která zní méně zkazilá. Možná neříkám, že jsem Čech, protože chci zapomenout na minulost. Nějak se jí však nikdy nemohu zbavit, minulost je vždy přítomná a všechno je propojené. Věci, které dělám dnes, dělám kvůli své minulosti. Ačkoli se snažím zapomenout.
Our bodies remember what they have been through. Physical memories of stimulation from the past can arouse in the present and make us feel something that is not happening now, but took place somewhere at another time in another place. Desire is abstract, is awakened by archetypes, and is therefore only ever perceived subjectively. The memory of desire can be stronger than the immediate, perhaps purchased physical contact. Who, what and that we should desire at all has always been prescribed to us. Of course, we want just the opposite, whether we actively choose it or it has always been a part of us.
Pleasure is never stagnant; it is always in motion, evolving alongside us. This brings to mind the term „queer“ and how we employ it both as a political expression and a means of self-description. Its definition remains fluid, perpetually existing in a state of flux and reconstruction. Pleasure cannot be commodified, as its essence transcends material acquisition, encompassing both collective and individual understandings of itself.
Who sets the default?
Intelligence is just a concept.
Psychedelics show the many possibilities of whiteness. 4
Swept away and swept through. Like a cold shower on a hot sunny day, scary at first, intense and biting. It transforms into a comforting blanket and it leaves me refreshed even after she has left. Moved by her and through her, she makes us forget about time. She is a brief reminder of what it feels like to feel well and not afraid.
They say the same things over and over again and I freeze because I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my ten years of silence, my retrieval to a world where I denied this part of my life. Their words resonate in my head and remind me of the past I thought was long over but still remains present. We don’t change as much as we think. We become older versions of ourselves and repeat the same words over and over again because there is just a limited amount of words in us. We are like the earth, everything we are, we already are, we just move parts and shape them into new forms. The shell remains the same, moving closer to the sun over time and eventually melting. She cries and leaves the table, I want to hold her but I am frozen. I want to tell her that I love her but I never learned how. Life is still so much more.
Time passing is not an apology
Progress is an illusion
The tide inside of me is lowering, amidst a storm that is supposed to wash all of us away. I am scared for all my sisters and brothers I have never met. They try over and over again to erase us, but nothing is stronger than the subterranean rhizomes we’ve woven, the invisible fibers connecting us through space. They might feel victory over us, once their forces destroy all we have but future life is growing from the soil of our dead bodies. We will never leave, we will never forget, we will always be remembered.
Transitioning feels like being born again, but the right way.
„…eine Biographie zu schreiben, scheint mir unmöglich, es ist als besteht meine Lebensgeschichte nicht aus aufeinanderfolgenden Ereignissen, sondern aus verschiedenen Menschen, die nichts miteinander zu tun haben, die nicht einmal denselben Vornamen tragen. 5“
Death is liberation but we survive for each other.
Why are you here?
References and Quotations:
1 – Time Is the Thing a Body Moves Through, T Fleischmann, 2019, Coffee House Press
2 – Burial in Wire interview with Mark Fisher, 2012 https://www.thewire.co.uk/in-writing/interviews/burial_unedited-transcript
3 – The Undercommons: Fugitive Planning & Black Study, Fred Moten, Stefano Harney, 2013, Autonomedia
4 – Psychedelic White: Goa Trance and the Viscosity of Race, 2007, University of Minnesota Press
5 – Edouard Louis, Eine Anleitung ein Anderer zu werden, 2022, Aufbau
Mix:
Romeo Santos – Sus Huellas
Massive Attack – Teardrop
Andy Stott – Too Many Voices
Tracy Chapman – Fast Car
Pinch – Qawwali
DJ Manny – Never Was a Hoe
Pronto – Guru
Actress – Green Blue Amnesia Magic Haze ( d 7 )
Laurel Halo – You Burn Me
Pretty Ricky – U&Me (Nick León Ambient Breaks Mix)
With this I would like to invite queers that are (but not exclusively) from or live in the Czech Republic to exchange on the topic which accompanies the evening – Y:Survive. Because `Why survive?´ is something I often think about when I write, as I see writing as a survival strategy as a queer person living and surviving in a heteronormative and very binary society. Although I am Czech and grew up there, it was only when I left the country when I was a teenager that I learned about queer culture and its associated community. Growing up we knew we were different and the importance of the support and being connected with likeminded people was not as obvious as it is now. What does surviving mean for you, living in the Czech Republic as a queer person? What are the positives, who supports you and lifts you up, what are the struggles we need to keep fighting for? This exchange is an invitation to speak about and listen to each other’s (queer) perspectives.
(Y:Survive, Divadlo X10, Praha, 27.11.2023)
Sexological Bodywork with Gilles 